The past

Posted: December 6, 2009 in exes, women
Tags: ,

The time was ten years ago. We had been dating for a couple weeks. Though we had spent all our free time together I was still trying to work up the nerve to kiss her.

It was on a clear summer night when I finally made my move. We were standing outside her house, just enjoying each others company. The moment finally felt right. No more than two inches from her lips she told me she wasn’t ready. I was ok with that.

The days went by and we continued spending our free time together. One night while laying on her couch watching a movie, her head on my shoulder, quick as a cat she turned into me and kissed me.

Needless to say, I was taken completely by surprise. Turns out it was not just the first kiss we shared, it was also both of ours first kiss, period.

I’ll never forget that moment, or the time we spent together. I’ll always remember how every moment of heaven we spent together was tempered by the hell I felt when we were apart.

Unfortunately, I let those hellish moments we were apart get the better of me. I began to fear she was going to find someone better and leave me. I wasn’t used to being so happy and it scared me.

But instead of talking to her about my fears, I decided I’d leave her before she left me. That final moment of weakness when I made that decision has turned into ten years of pure torture.

Although I’ve found women to occupy my time since then, I have yet to find another to bring me the happiness she gave me. Most days I fear I never will. But don’t worry, I’ll keep searching, whether my search us fruitful or not.

Why do I share this story? This is the time of year I broke up with her. Every year at this time my decision weighs heavier on me than the rest of the year. Also, if my story can help some other poor soul find the strength to talk about his fears when he otherwise would not, if it will spare someone the hell I’ve endured these many years, then perhaps that fateful decision I made so many years ago will serve a higher purpose.

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